Updated: Sep 12, 2021
Eliminate these faux pas to enjoy a life of intimacy and love together.
We all value the freedom to speak our minds to the special person in our lives. But when not done thoughtfully, it can cause irreparable harm. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want.
It starts with your personality type.
There are many complex tools available to analyse your personality. But I believe a simple dissection gets us to the core of the problem faster.
A person can be classified into one of three main personality types;
- Intellectual
- Emotional
- Physical.
We are all primarily one of these three types of personalities, and then a mix of the other two. This combination forms the infinite possibility that makes each of us unique.
However, we each have one predominant character type which determines how we think and behave. This then filters the events of our entire life based on that particular point of view.
Each personality reacts uniquely.
An intellectual person will always see things from an intellectual and analytical perspective like an accountant or a lawyer.
An emotional person will see things from an artistic or feeling perspective of its beauty or how it affects their five senses. That’s the artist or the musician.
The physical person will see things from a more pleasure-seeking perspective like doing physical exercise and how that makes the body feel, their health and sex etc.
Our goal is to be perfectly balanced
The goal is to be perfectly balanced with all three of these aspects. Then we can deal with our job, our relationship, and keep our body in excellent physical health while dealing with each situation appropriately as we go through the course of a normal day.
The emotionally-based person takes things more personally.
A person who has a stronger emotional nature will take things personally and will also be very attentive and caring to how they make other people feel.
A physically oriented person will generally be more concerned with themselves, their own feelings and their own pleasures. They may not realise that they are disregarding how their words or actions are affecting other people. That being said, EQ needs to be developed in all people.
Higher EQ needs to be developed in all people.
EQ, or Emotional Intelligence, gives one the ability to know how they feel and how their actions will affect other people. The reason we need this is so that we do not piss anyone off.
In the dating phase of a relationship, the couple may have already become intimate. If one is more emotional and the other is more physical, the physical will often make comments about previous partners, usually in reference to sex and their sexual experiences. They may talk about the sexual attributes and deficiencies of their previous partners or the number of partners they had.
The physically-based person can make hurtful comparisons.
They talk about this because being more physical, they are more focused on the physical side of life and the physical pleasure of sex.
Sex for them is more a physical act, even though they will also want an emotional connection due to the emotional aspect of their personality, but it will be secondary to the physical pleasure.
The emotional person will be speaking of how they felt and how they were affected emotionally by their previous experiences. They speak about these things because that is their primary focus in life being emotional.
The stronger emotional nature will care more about sex for the emotional connection, and compare themselves to the previous partners in their new partner’s life. The discussion of previous partners and experiences makes them feel better or worse about themselves and their prospects in the new relationship.
The physical person will start to wonder if their new partner is going to be too high maintenance and emotional about things they find a non-issue.
The 6 Relationship Mistakes
1. Comparing ex-partners
Almost everyone has a tendency to compare themselves to others, especially when it comes to sex because that is such a big part of a relationship.
Their confidence and desire will either be built or destroyed based on what their partner says, even more than what they do because everything happens in your mind.
By setting this emotional foundation, the direction of the relationship will be determined, either it will last or fade away.
2. Not asking friends for feedback
You now have enough information to determine what your nature is, based on your actions and feelings. If you determine you are a physical person, you know what pushed away previous dates, and likewise for emotional people.
I must warn you that often, people think they are one nature but in fact are another, because humans have a big blind spot when it comes to self-awareness.
So you may want to ask the opinion of your friends and past partners to find out what they think, and please, trust them more than yourself.
Our moods and emotions all begin in our minds based on the information we receive. Information enters our brain through the five senses and then goes into our minds.
We think about the information and then feelings are born from the thoughts. The flaw is that between the time information enters our brain and the thoughts come out from our mind, there will have been a lot of distortion of reality.
The things we say will put thoughts in the other person’s mind and based on their primary nature, that will create thoughts and feelings in that person, desire or aversion, confidence or self-doubt based on how they distorted the information based on the filter of their personality.
3. Not watching how you make your partner feel
If the lack of EQ and consideration for others can hurt work or platonic relationships, then how much more impactful it is for a love relationship.
Like it or not, and as much as you would like to say sex is secondary to companionship, the main factor of a loving relationship is the sex life.
There is enough evidence in couples who are still at a sexually active age to prove that if there is little sex, the relationship is not going well.
If the person without a good EQ, ie: consideration and empathy, or thoughtfulness, will say things without thinking about how they affect the other person, who is very sensitive because they are more emotional, they will talk about sex and previous partners casually and show that sex to them is primarily a physical act done for the physical pleasure, while the emotional connection is secondary.
Both the physical and emotional natured person will make statements that are hurtful in a different way. In both cases, you can’t undo what’s been said, so it is important to have a healthy EQ so these things do not happen.
4. Talking about sexual performance to an emotionally-based partner
The emotional person will be very hurt by talk of past sexual encounters, first because they will always feel inferior and that they are being compared and catalogued, being placed in the memory of their partner as another experience.
But the more painful part, albeit sometimes subconsciously, is that they want to have a deep emotional connection during sex and the physical satisfaction, skill, postures, duration etc. is less important as the emotional connection, which of course will be lacking or put as a secondary consideration behind how well the physical performance is.
The result is the emotional person will have a diminishing sexual interest and performance because they are not getting the emotional connection to feeling special and that they are the only one their partner is thinking about because they know that there is a constant comparison to previous sexual events and partners. Then the physical person will become unsatisfied due to the lack of performance.
For those of you who have experienced staying with a partner who does not treat you well, and still giving them everything you have, emotionally and financially, this is the reason. You are trying to make yourself worthy of your partner, but have confused your determination of what makes you worthy from emotionally based actions of self-sacrifice to what your partner wants which is just better sex.
This will lead to the eventual dissolution of any emotional connection the partners felt. The best advice is to never speak of any past relationships in any way, sexually or otherwise.
Ideally you should both be virgins, but that is highly unlikely, but, we can act like virgins and never speak of the past, as if it never existed.
Now you can see why religions say no sex before marriage because that can mess up a relationship.
This entire concept has nothing to do with gender or sexual preference. It is just about humans. Don’t just trust me, test it for yourself.
5. Bringing the past into your relationship
There is very little past that needs to be brought into the present. You are what you are due to your past, but just be what you are, and leave the past behind as you eat the pizza and toss away the box.
You can test this, although the test may cause permanent damage, so make this just a thought experiment unless you want to make that event the last one with that partner.
Think about being in the process of having sex, and what will happen to the emotional person who is feeling love and closeness to their partner, when their partner says; ‘Your [body part] is nice but my last partners was really huge.’ Or, ‘You are good but wow, have I had some amazing partners in the past!’
This may turn on a physical type of person, who is so sexually-oriented that any images of a sexual nature can excite them, regardless of who they are with because they are having sex for their own pleasure and so are more self-absorbed and their partner is merely a necessity.
But the emotional person who is looking for a deep emotional connection so they can lose themselves and find unity with another human being will feel they are not in their partner’s mind or heart at all, and so the passion is destroyed.
The solution is to know what not to say and simply, not say it. We could say that the physical person needs to be more emotional and sensitive and say things that encourage the emotional person, but that is a more advanced lesson that comes later. Likewise, the emotional person needs to know what to, or not to say, which is also another topic, so here we will start with the first step, to learn what NOT to say and how to keep your mouth from letting out the words in your head.
If you have a glass of water, and you leave it on the table, the glass will stay full. But if you knock it over, the water will spill out. This is what you do with your words.
This is why we say, learning NOT to say certain things is more important than knowing what to say because it creates a feeling of comfort by not creating emotionally destructive feelings.
6. Not thinking before speaking
Practice this 24/7 in every aspect of your life, at work and with friends, family and your partner. The more you do it, the quicker you will master it and your entire nature will change to make this wisdom automatic.
This requires knowing what you are about to say and stopping yourself from saying the wrong things.
It helps to know the different nature of the person you are with, and speak appropriately.
Talking about sex can turn some people on, and others off. Watch for clues, and it’s pretty obvious when you are passionate and all of a sudden your partner turns cold, or in any conversation on any topic when they are looking at you, then start to drift off and their gaze wanders.
When that happens, think about what you were just talking about immediately before there was a change in the other person’s mood, which actually happens in an instant if you can detect it.
If it is something about your previous partners, or sex, or whatever it may be, consider that your partner is not you, and may have different views on that topic, and make sure you never talk about that subject again, or at least in the same circumstances.
The hard part is to be able to see your thoughts before they become spoken words, so you can prevent thoughts from becoming words.
But the only method to master this is to practice observing the words that negatively impact anyone you are speaking to in any situation and to reflect immediately on what you said that triggered the negative response.
Eventually, you will learn, like a researcher, what topics you currently consider harmless which need to be avoided in each circumstance, and at what point, certain things can be brought up.
Summary
We all know what it feels like to say something that hurts our partner or to be hurt. This is why it’s not just what you say that makes a person fall in love, but it is more important to know what not to say.
It is more important to know what not to say.
Compare the time it takes to fill a glass with water, to how long it takes for it to become empty when you knock it over. It’s over in an instant.
If you reflect enough on this, you will know what the most important quality is to make you worthy of keeping a relationship strong and increasing in love.
